Please share your personal experiences...

Thank you to all of you who participated in our online journey! It has been amazing to see God work throughout these past 40 days. Please take a moment to share about your personal experience with the Lenten Pilgrimage. And, keep this site bookmarked. As we will use it again next year! If you have ideas about how to make the blog better for next year, please email them to kristicarleton@gmail.com.

He Lives!!!

He is Risen!!

He is Risen indeed!!

Praise God!

HAPPY EASTER BLUE SKY!

Welcome to the Blue Sky Church Lenten Pilgrimage Blog!

Please use this blog as a way to express your thoughts, emotions and artistic expression of what God is doing in your life and your heart throughout this pilgrimage to the cross.

The following is the information that we have published in the form of a bookmark to help guide you on this journey. If you did not receive a bookmark, and would like one, please pick one up at Blue Sky Church.

For more information on what is going on at Blue Sky Church, log on to http://www.blueskychurch.com

Lent:

An annual season beginning Ash Wednesday until Easter. These 40 days (excluding Sundays) are devoted to fasting and penitence in preparation to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus.

Lenten Pilgrimage:

A journey to follow Jesus through the book of Psalms for individuals, couples and families.

1) Set a Time Individuals- Mornings; Couples before Bed; Families-Dinner or before Bed.

2) Abstain from an Indulgence Coffee, chocolates, shopping; TV; Video Games; Food, etc.

3) Read/Meditate on Psalm

Psalm Schedule:

Week One:

2/21 Psalm 6
2/22 Psalm 1
2/23 Psalm 15
2/24 Psalm 8

Week Two:
2/26 Psalm 38
2/27 Psalm 13
2/28 Psalm 19
3/01 Psalm 24
3/02 Psalm 25
3/03 Psalm 27

Week Three:
3/05 Psalm 51
3/06 Psalm 20
3/07 Psalm 2
3/08 Psalm 30
3/09 Psalm 41
3/10 Psalm 36

Week Four:
3/12 Psalm 32
3/13 Psalm 37
3/14 Psalm 3
3/15 Psalm 4
3/16 Psalm 42
3/17 Psalm 37

Week Five:
3/19 Psalm 53
3/20 Psalm 63
3/21 Psalm 66
3/22 Psalm 84
3/23 Psalm 40
3/24 Psalm 46

Week Six:
3/26 Psalm 44
3/27 Psalm 90
3/28 Psalm 115
3/29 Psalm 116
3/30 Psalm 120
3/31 Psalm 128

Easter Week:
4/02 Psalm 121
4/03 Psalm 86
4/04 Psalm 2
4/05 Psalm 110
4/06 Psalm 22
4/07 Psalm 88

Holy Week 2007 at Blue Sky Church!

Holy Week Schedule for Blue Sky Church:

Join us as we journey together through the final week of the Lenten Pilgrimage. Make sure to mark your calendar with these special Lenten Blue Sky Gatherings.













Palm Sunday Gathering- April 1, 2007- 10:00am-11:30am

Join us as we celebrate Christ's triumphant entry into Jerusalem through music, teaching and of course a parade of palms by Blue Sky Kids!













Maundy Thursday- April 5, 2007- 6:00pm-8:00pm

A Traditional Seder Meal, Foot Washing Ceremony and Extended Worship Night!
(Sign up required)













Good Friday Gathering- April 6, 2007- 7:00pm-8:00pm

A Traditional Tenebrae Service in which we will follow Christ's journey to the cross. This is a very powerful experience, as we witness the extinguishing of light and then leave in silence as we remember the death of Christ on the cross.













Easter Celebration- April 8, 2007- 10:00am-11:30am

A spirited celebration of the Resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ! Bring all of your family and friends!

With Special Guests "Nick Carleton Band!"











What a wonderful season to celebrate with family, friends and the Blue Sky Community! We hope that you will take part in these very special Worship Gatherings!
May you and your family be blessed this Holy Week!

All Holy Week Gatherings will take place at...


Blue Sky Church
200 E. 4th Street
Loveland, CO 80537

www.blueskychurch.com

My Personal Lenten Pilgrimage by Susie Sharrai

What a blessing this journey has been. I am so grateful to Pastor Joe and the folks at Blue Sky for inviting me to join in this Lenten Pilgrimage. Hard to believe it is almost over.

Going through the different Psalms daily, the messages at church, the various comments here on the website have all added something valuable to my life. But there is something about these last few days, this Holy Week, that has blessed me tremendously.

I was honored to be 'invited' (I love that word! - have you noticed!?) to be a part of the Maundy Thursday celebration. Thank you Joe and Kristi for that opportunity!
The Seder meal was very special - I think it is important to honor the history of Passover. It was a fun, yet reverent, event - and seeing it from this side of the Cross, under the New Covenant, gives it a whole new meaning. I'd seen re-enactments of the Lord's Supper (the guy playing Jesus 'glowed' for weeks!) and danced the Hora, but had never partaken in such an in depth teaching/event.

The foot washing was a blessing to me - it always is. When looking it up in John 13, I kept wondering 'why?' - why did Christ choose those last moments of His time on earth to wash the feet of His disciples? Pastor Joe mentioned during the Seder that it was Jesus' last opportunity to teach the men who shared the past 3 years with Him. And that's what He did - He said they wouldn't understand what He was doing while He was doing it, but that they would catch on eventually. He said He was setting an example for them - as He washed their feet, they were to wash one another's feet. An example of service, yes, but also a huge example of love and forgiveness. Don't forget He washed the feet of Judas as well, knowing what was in his heart. How many of us would do that? Imagine how the disciples felt when they finally 'got' that part of it.

Now Good Friday - that was something really moving. We ended in silence and darkness - and now we're waiting for the stone to be rolled away. At least we know it WAS, the disciples waited in fear and confusion for 3 days.
Thank you Blue Sky for this experience. God has opened my eyes and my heart to so much through this. I am so grateful to Him that my salvation doesn't depend on my feeble attempts at sacrifice, or that my mistakes aren't too big to be covered by the blood of Jesus.

Thank you Lord.
God bless you all, and Happy Easter ~ Susie

Day 40- Psalm 88

Psalm 88

A song. A psalm of the Sons of Korah. For the director of music. According to mahalath leannoth. A maskil of Heman the Ezrahite.

O LORD, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.

May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.

For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave.

I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man without strength.

I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.

You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.

Your wrath lies heavily upon me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
Selah

You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;

my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, O LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.

Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?
Selah

Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction?

Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

But I cry to you for help, O LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.

Why, O LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?

From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.

Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.

All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.

You have taken my companions and loved ones from me;
the darkness is my closest friend.

Day 39- Psalm 22

Psalm 22

For the director of music. To the tune of "The Doe of the Morning." A psalm of David.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from the words of my groaning?

O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, and am not silent.

Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the praise of Israel.

In you our fathers put their trust;
they trusted and you delivered them.

They cried to you and were saved;
in you they trusted and were not disappointed.

But I am a worm and not a man,
scorned by men and despised by the people.

All who see me mock me;
they hurl insults, shaking their heads:

"He trusts in the LORD;
let the LORD rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
since he delights in him."

Yet you brought me out of the womb;
you made me trust in you
even at my mother's breast.

From birth I was cast upon you;
from my mother's womb you have been my God.

Do not be far from me,
for trouble is near
and there is no one to help.

Many bulls surround me;
strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.

Roaring lions tearing their prey
open their mouths wide against me.

I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart has turned to wax;
it has melted away within me.

My strength is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
you lay me in the dust of death.

Dogs have surrounded me;
a band of evil men has encircled me,
they have pierced my hands and my feet.

I can count all my bones;
people stare and gloat over me.

They divide my garments among them
and cast lots for my clothing.

But you, O LORD, be not far off;
O my Strength, come quickly to help me.

Deliver my life from the sword,
my precious life from the power of the dogs.

Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;
save me from the horns of the wild oxen.

I will declare your name to my brothers;
in the congregation I will praise you.

You who fear the LORD, praise him!
All you descendants of Jacob, honor him!
Revere him, all you descendants of Israel!

For he has not despised or disdained
the suffering of the afflicted one;
he has not hidden his face from him
but has listened to his cry for help.

From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly;
before those who fear you will I fulfill my vows.

The poor will eat and be satisfied;
they who seek the LORD will praise him—
may your hearts live forever!

All the ends of the earth
will remember and turn to the LORD,
and all the families of the nations
will bow down before him,

for dominion belongs to the LORD
and he rules over the nations.

All the rich of the earth will feast and worship;
all who go down to the dust will kneel before him—
those who cannot keep themselves alive.

Posterity will serve him;
future generations will be told about the Lord.

They will proclaim his righteousness
to a people yet unborn—
for he has done it.

From the Pastor

My apologies for not writing last week. I hurt my thumb and thus typing has been painful. But I am back now. My thumb is actually numb so I may be hitting the space bar more often.

We are in our final week of the Lenten Pilgrimage. We named it a "pilgrimage" because it is a journey. Here is my question, "What has this journey been like for you?" Two thoughts to direct your answer. How has God revealed himself? And secondly, "What has been revealed about yourself?"

If your journey has been like mine, I have realized many shortcomings in myself and thus I need more grace from God. Although I have not accomplished all that I set out to do, I have been reminded that Lent is not what I have given up or my plan for spiritual growth –it is not about me. Essentially, it is about following Jesus. Lent is about putting myself in a position to receive more of him. I am grateful, that I have become more aware of this need.

LENT HISTORY
Lent is often associated with Baptism as seen in many Catholic parishes. Why is this? Baptism is the symbolic rite where one is baptized in death (dunking under the water) then baptized in life (the rising out of the water). Essentially, this is the journey of following Jesus.

As you reflect upon your journey ask two questions: What have I put to death? Secondly, What is God giving new life to?

PSALMS EXPERIENCE
Psalm 22 is quoted by Jesus as one of his last words. "My God, my God! Why have you forsaken me?" For the first time in eternity, the Father and Son relationship is separated. What a moment. The Scriptures say that Jesus who knew no sin, became sin (2 Corinthians 5:21). Relationship between God and Jesus had ceased.

But every God fearing Jew knew that the Psalm Jesus is quoting may begin in despair, but it ends in hope. It says, "For the LORD is king! He rules all the nations," and that "future generations will know him."

When Jesus uttered this Psalm, he not only was communicating his despair, but that his despair would end in hope –hope for all of us. What a moment.

------------------

Did you know that Psalm 110 is the most quoted Psalm in the New Testament? As you read this today, discover why the authors in the New Testament used this Psalm.

Day 38- Psalm 110

Psalm 110

Of David. A psalm.

The LORD says to my Lord:
"Sit at my right hand
until I make your enemies
a footstool for your feet."

The LORD will extend your mighty scepter from Zion;
you will rule in the midst of your enemies.

Your troops will be willing
on your day of battle.
Arrayed in holy majesty,
from the womb of the dawn
you will receive the dew of your youth.

The LORD has sworn
and will not change his mind:
"You are a priest forever,
in the order of Melchizedek."

The Lord is at your right hand;
he will crush kings on the day of his wrath.

He will judge the nations, heaping up the dead
and crushing the rulers of the whole earth.

He will drink from a brook beside the way;
therefore he will lift up his head.

Day 37- Psalm 2

Psalm 2

Why do the nations conspire
and the peoples plot in vain?

The kings of the earth take their stand
and the rulers gather together
against the LORD
and against his Anointed One.

"Let us break their chains," they say,
"and throw off their fetters."

The One enthroned in heaven laughs;
the Lord scoffs at them.

Then he rebukes them in his anger
and terrifies them in his wrath, saying,

"I have installed my King
on Zion, my holy hill."

I will proclaim the decree of the LORD :
He said to me, "You are my Son;
today I have become your Father.

Ask of me,
and I will make the nations your inheritance,
the ends of the earth your possession.

You will rule them with an iron scepter;
you will dash them to pieces like pottery."

Therefore, you kings, be wise;
be warned, you rulers of the earth.

Serve the LORD with fear
and rejoice with trembling.

Kiss the Son, lest he be angry
and you be destroyed in your way,
for his wrath can flare up in a moment.
Blessed are all who take refuge in him.

Day 36- Psalm 86

Psalm 86

A prayer of David.

Hear, O LORD, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.

Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant
who trusts in you.

Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for I call to you all day long.

Bring joy to your servant,
for to you, O Lord,
I lift up my soul.

You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
abounding in love to all who call to you.

Hear my prayer, O LORD;
listen to my cry for mercy.

In the day of my trouble I will call to you,
for you will answer me.

Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.

All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you, O Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.

For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
you alone are God.

Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.

For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

The arrogant are attacking me, O God;
a band of ruthless men seeks my life—
men without regard for you.

But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

Turn to me and have mercy on me;
grant your strength to your servant
and save the son of your maidservant.

Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

Day 35- Psalm 121

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Day 34- Psalm 128

Psalm 128

A song of ascents.

Blessed are all who fear the LORD,
who walk in his ways.

You will eat the fruit of your labor;
blessings and prosperity will be yours.

Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
within your house;
your sons will be like olive shoots
around your table.

Thus is the man blessed
who fears the LORD.

May the LORD bless you from Zion
all the days of your life;
may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem,

and may you live to see your children's children.
Peace be upon Israel.

Day 33- Psalm 120

Psalm 120

A song of ascents.

I call on the LORD in my distress,
and he answers me.

Save me, O LORD, from lying lips
and from deceitful tongues.

What will he do to you,
and what more besides, O deceitful tongue?

He will punish you with a warrior's sharp arrows,
with burning coals of the broom tree.

Woe to me that I dwell in Meshech,
that I live among the tents of Kedar!

Too long have I lived
among those who hate peace.

I am a man of peace;
but when I speak, they are for war.

Day 32- Psalm 116

Psalm 116

I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.

Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.

Then I called on the name of the LORD :
"O LORD, save me!"

The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.

The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.

For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,

that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.

I believed; therefore I said,
"I am greatly afflicted."

And in my dismay I said,
"All men are liars."

How can I repay the LORD
for all his goodness to me?

I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD.

I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.

Precious in the sight of the LORD
is the death of his saints.

O LORD, truly I am your servant;
I am your servant, the son of your maidservant;
you have freed me from my chains.

I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
and call on the name of the LORD.

I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people,

in the courts of the house of the LORD—
in your midst, O Jerusalem.
Praise the LORD.

From Loveland, to Santa Cruz to London!

Be encouraged that we do not walk this journey alone... Believers all over the world are attempting to create space for God in their lives this Lenten season. Pastor Joe knows of people in Santa Cruz, CA that are taking part in our online pilgrimage. Hello to our friends in Santa Cruz!! As I was spending time last night in worship and research for the upcoming Holy Week, I stumbled across some of our brothers and sisters in London. They too have journeyed together on a Lenten Pilgrimage through a blog. I think you will find it uplifting, encouraging and fun to read. Check out their journey at...

http://www.freshworship.org/lentblog07


Here is one of the entries from Grace Church in London that really hit home for me. Check it out...














a reflection on the image...

i have been struck by doug aitken's image of an armchair in the desert [i think it's a desert - it could of course be a beach?].
it's a still image.
the chair is un-used and dusty.
in front of it is the edge of a bush.
for some reason it got me thinking about prayer, deserts and burning bushes.

where is god?
prayer is like sitting in the chair and waiting.
the desert is away from it all.
whilst that sounds great, it also looks pretty bleak.
it's a risk to sit and wait.
after all nothing may happen...

the bush isn't burning.
i guess moses passed the bush when it wasn't burning many times - it was an ordinary bush. it was only one time it burned.
but all ordinary ground can be holy, seared with the presence of god. but who can say which piece of ordinary ground will become a window,
a thin place,
a site for the holy,
burning,
electric as the go between god makes the connection?

the temptation is to revisit a site where this happened once,
but god doesn't stay still,
god is moving on,
beckoning forward,
not concerned with nostalgic spirituality.

so i want to sit in the chair and pray,
to go to the desert place,
but i'm not expecting the bush to burn.
prayer may help me see other sites in days to come that may burn with the holy.
prayer may help me hear where god is calling me to move on next.

i was reading the scripture ask and it will be given, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened.

maybe the risk of prayer is worth it...

i'll sit in the chair

The Princess and the Pea- By Jennifer Peters

Sunday's sermon has had me irritated all week. It's like the pea under the mattress or a pebble in a shoe. I couldn't figure out what had me so agitated all week until this morning when I was driving somewhere. Although it feels like a pea in a mattress because the princess didn't know what was disturbing her sleep, I'm hoping it's more like a seed attempting to take root in a very tough soil.

Like I mentioned in another blog, it's been desert for a few years for us. We have a few periods here and there of respite, but not enough. Then again, perhaps I don't rely on God enough for respite. We've talked in church several times about how good meaning people always quote the cliche that "God won't give you more than you can handle," and we've concluded that they are extremely wrong. I believe that cliche comes down to a simple misquote....the text is about temptation, not about tough circumstances. I don't have the exact verse in front of me, but I know it's something along the lines of "God doesn't allow you to be tempted beyond what you can handle; he always provides a way out." The problem is that sometimes we don't chose to take the way out. I certainly haven't all week-- I've chosen to be ticked off, rather than let him have the problems.

So, we have plenty of tough circumstances...and no way out because like when the disciples were on the boat and the storm came, God wants us to look to him and ask him to either calm the sea or save us because the waves would crush us otherwise. I certainly know that in my head, but accepting it...well, that's taking few years.

On to the pea in my mattress this week. I want something desperately to change in my life, but it's not changing the way I want it to. On Ash Wednesday during service, God again asked me to give him this thing. I did, reluctantly again. He answered with promise that he can do so much more than I could ever expect if I just give up trying to control the situation and let him have it completely. Let him take it, break it, mold it, change it and not allow me to put any of my signature on it.

That's what he told me during the prayer time and as confirmation, I saw during the stations one of the most beautiful sights I'd ever seen-- red lilies. I'm a flower person, and flowers have held amazing symbolism through the years for me. God has used them on several occasions to speak to me. That evening, when I reached the station of lilies, I came across something that I not only didn't expect in the red lilies, but also something so much more beautiful than I could ever remember in a traditional white lily.

Right there, God said, "See these? You didn't even know they existed; you're blown away by this creation. You didn't even know this was possible and you certainly never imagined the beauty that a red lily could provide. Give me 'x,' 'y,' and 'z,' let it go, and watch me! I will do so much more than you could ever imagine, pray or ask for, dream of, or want, but you have to release it. By the way, see the red? My Son's blood covers what you want covered."

Whew and Ouch!

So, I gave it up that night and had a great night's sleep for a few days...I had peace, not peas.

And now, five weeks into Lent, I've fallen behind AGAIN in the reading and I've got enough peas in my bed or rocks in my shoes to put me on a war path and not care, and not WANT to care, but to try to control and fix it myself. Somehow though, I must have somehow given something back to him today because he gave me a hint of things better, and I didn't know what to do because i was blown away.

Lord, please take these burdens and help me let go. Help me instead cling to you and your beautiful promises like my baby does when we're about to let someone else take her. She says, "No, no! Turns her head away and rests it on our shoulders and then clings to us for dear life with her entire body." "Lead me not into temptation," but help me say, No! No!, and cling to you.

Amen

Day 31- Psalm 115

Psalm 115

Not to us, O LORD, not to us
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.

Why do the nations say,
"Where is their God?"

Our God is in heaven;
he does whatever pleases him.

But their idols are silver and gold,
made by the hands of men.

They have mouths, but cannot speak,
eyes, but they cannot see;

they have ears, but cannot hear,
noses, but they cannot smell;

they have hands, but cannot feel,
feet, but they cannot walk;
nor can they utter a sound with their throats.

Those who make them will be like them,
and so will all who trust in them.

O house of Israel, trust in the LORD—
he is their help and shield.

O house of Aaron, trust in the LORD—
he is their help and shield.

You who fear him, trust in the LORD—
he is their help and shield.

The LORD remembers us and will bless us:
He will bless the house of Israel,
he will bless the house of Aaron,

he will bless those who fear the LORD—
small and great alike.

May the LORD make you increase,
both you and your children.

May you be blessed by the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

The highest heavens belong to the LORD,
but the earth he has given to man.

It is not the dead who praise the LORD,
those who go down to silence;

it is we who extol the LORD,
both now and forevermore.
Praise the LORD.

Day 30- Psalm 90

Psalm 90

A prayer of Moses the man of God.

Lord, you have been our dwelling place
throughout all generations.

Before the mountains were born
or you brought forth the earth and the world,
from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

You turn men back to dust,
saying, "Return to dust, O sons of men."

For a thousand years in your sight
are like a day that has just gone by,
or like a watch in the night.

You sweep men away in the sleep of death;
they are like the new grass of the morning-

though in the morning it springs up new,
by evening it is dry and withered.

We are consumed by your anger
and terrified by your indignation.

You have set our iniquities before you,
our secret sins in the light of your presence.

All our days pass away under your wrath;
we finish our years with a moan.

The length of our days is seventy years—
or eighty, if we have the strength;
yet their span is but trouble and sorrow,
for they quickly pass, and we fly away.

Who knows the power of your anger?
For your wrath is as great as the fear that is due you.

Teach us to number our days aright,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Relent, O LORD! How long will it be?
Have compassion on your servants.

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
for as many years as we have seen trouble.

May your deeds be shown to your servants,
your splendor to their children.

May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us;
establish the work of our hands for us—
yes, establish the work of our hands.

Day 29 - Psalm 44

Psalm 44

For the director of music. Of the Sons of Korah. A maskil.

We have heard with our ears, O God;
our fathers have told us
what you did in their days,
in days long ago.

With your hand you drove out the nations
and planted our fathers;
you crushed the peoples
and made our fathers flourish.

It was not by their sword that they won the land,
nor did their arm bring them victory;
it was your right hand, your arm,
and the light of your face, for you loved them.

You are my King and my God,
who decrees victories for Jacob.

Through you we push back our enemies;
through your name we trample our foes.

I do not trust in my bow,
my sword does not bring me victory;

but you give us victory over our enemies,
you put our adversaries to shame.

In God we make our boast all day long,
and we will praise your name forever.
Selah

But now you have rejected and humbled us;
you no longer go out with our armies.

You made us retreat before the enemy,
and our adversaries have plundered us.

You gave us up to be devoured like sheep
and have scattered us among the nations.

You sold your people for a pittance,
gaining nothing from their sale.

You have made us a reproach to our neighbors,
the scorn and derision of those around us.

You have made us a byword among the nations;
the peoples shake their heads at us.

My disgrace is before me all day long,
and my face is covered with shame

at the taunts of those who reproach and revile me,
because of the enemy, who is bent on revenge.

All this happened to us,
though we had not forgotten you
or been false to your covenant.

Our hearts had not turned back;
our feet had not strayed from your path.

But you crushed us and made us a haunt for jackals
and covered us over with deep darkness.

If we had forgotten the name of our God
or spread out our hands to a foreign god,

would not God have discovered it,
since he knows the secrets of the heart?

Yet for your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.

Awake, O Lord! Why do you sleep?
Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever.

Why do you hide your face
and forget our misery and oppression?

We are brought down to the dust;
our bodies cling to the ground.

Rise up and help us;
redeem us because of your unfailing love.

What are We Expecting? By Susie Sharrai

I am discovering more about my Heavenly Father on this Lenten walk. Sometimes it's enough to know that He's God and He loves me........then, He takes me deeper. He asks me to trust Him more, to give Him more of who I am and what I have, to risk more, to EXPECT more of Him. There are so many books out now, by Christian and non-Christian authors, on living our 'best life' and this whole 'secret' thing - which is no secret at all! How we think and speak is a huge part of how we see God, what we expect of Him, whether we believe Him to be who He says He is, and definitely, how we see ourselves.

I will be the first to say that God answers prayer - I know He brought me to Loveland when I had no place else to go and needed to leave where I was as soon as I could. Though I know His hand was in that, It took some time to 'adjust' to the move. Quite honestly, about a year and a half ago I was going to commit suicide. I had never been 'that far gone' before. I'd been here about 2 years and just struggled so badly with emotions, feeling abandoned and forgotten by God, rejected by 'friends' I rarely heard from; wondering why nobody would hire me and how I'd pay bills, let alone get groceries. This truly was the lowest I'd been in some time. I just didn't want to deal with the struggle anymore. I was at the point where I was thinking about what to write in a note, who to send it to - do I email this or just let people find out about it somehow? Do I write anything to my only child? Would he even notice I'm gone? I'd even done a 'test run' - I sent an email to friends saying things I would say if I knew I was writing/seeing them for the last time. Not depressing, really, but there was a 'tone' to it - only one person picked up on that tone and knew something was wrong. It took me a while to tell her what it was really about.

While trying to figure out what/if to write anything, something inside me said, "You know you can't do this." Yet I was just so weary of all of it. This was during a walk along a stretch of the bike path near my home. I was almost home and then, with that last uphill step before level ground, I felt Someone physically pull me up! Up out of the pit, up out of the miry clay, and I knew everything would be all right.......eventually! But I knew! I had not had such a tangible touch from God in a long time!

It can be difficult to trust God when all around us is crashing down. Even when things aren't necessarily crashing, it's just 'easier' to take the steering wheel of our lives and try to control things -- our children - toddler or 26 year old future bride-groom!; our marriages ('he needs to change!"); work - maybe we compromise in order to get promoted or to look important cause it's not happening fast enough otherwise. Non of this is trust.

The Bible tells us we are God's workmanship - someone told me there's a Greek word in that original writing that says we are His poetry! Beautiful! When we read God's word, know He sent Jesus to die for us, how can we doubt that we are treasured by Him? So what do we expect of this God? That we'll have His favor with those around us? He says we do. That we can trust Him? We are commanded to not be afraid! That He'll answer prayers? He says we can come before Him BOLDLY, to ask, seek and knock AND expect Him to answer!

When I first moved here I was staying with friends - it was a bit over a month and things were tense, to say the least! I was looking for work and an apartment and wondering why nothing seemed to be happening. Suddenly, I'd seen an apartment that would work but I didn't have the funds for the deposit + rent that was needed up front. I was on my way to a job interview and just thought 'maybe they'll take $50 down now and I can pay the rest on the 1st of the month'. Quite a long shot, for sure. That same day, the gent that showed me the property called me to see what I thought of the apt. So.....I took a deep breath and asked him about this deal - he said he'd have to ask the boss. He got back to me and asked when I could take possession of the apt. and I said right away! He said, "we never do this...." - and guess what.....they DID! That certainly doesn't happen all the time, and though a miracle is a miracle, I couldn't see it happening in California! But I wasn't in California anymore, I was here, and I just received a major blessing for no real reason that I could see - except, that I am a child of God, I have His favor with man, and He cares about my every need. I'm going on my 4th year in that apt. At times I get restless and want to be in a real home, but I know God put me where I am, beyond a doubt!

The thing I'm learning most about knowing I have God's favor (and to EXPECT it!), is I have to ask. That can be the tough part - but, If I hadn't asked about the $50 down, I wouldn't have been able to move into a place of my own for some time. If I hadn't walked into the place I work now, I wouldn't have the job I have - I'm paid well, am greatly appreciated by my bosses, have the opportunity to learn about things that fascinate me.

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life." Psalm 23. But do we walk in that all the days of our lives? The Message puts it this way "God's kindness and goodness chases me down everywhere I go." Am I expecting God to bless me? To shower me with His favor? Believing He really loves me? That He is creator of the universe and not just 'out there somewhere' but right here with me, right now?

I can still battle with trusting God, but I am catching it and turning that over to Him quicker, and working toward being the person He created me to be. There definitely is a cost to this thing called faith - and it's worth it!!

Day 28- Psalm 46

Psalm 46

For the director of music. Of the Sons of Korah. According to Alamoth. A song.

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.

God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.

Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.

He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields with fire.

"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."

The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

Day 27- Psalm 40

Psalm 40

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced,
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.

Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.

I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."

I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.

I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.

Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.

For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.

Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.

May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.

May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.

But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"

Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.

Day 26- Psalm 84

Psalm 84

For the director of music. According to gittith. Of the Sons of Korah. A psalm.

How lovely is your dwelling place,
O LORD Almighty!

My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.

Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.

Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.
Selah

Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.

As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.

Hear my prayer, O LORD God Almighty;
listen to me, O God of Jacob.
Selah

Look upon our shield, O God;
look with favor on your anointed one.

Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.

O LORD Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you.

Day 25- Psalm 66

Psalm 66

For the director of music. A song. A psalm.

Shout with joy to God, all the earth!

Sing the glory of his name;
make his praise glorious!

Say to God, "How awesome are your deeds!
So great is your power
that your enemies cringe before you.

All the earth bows down to you;
they sing praise to you,
they sing praise to your name."
Selah

Come and see what God has done,
how awesome his works in man's behalf!

He turned the sea into dry land,
they passed through the waters on foot—
come, let us rejoice in him.

He rules forever by his power,
his eyes watch the nations—
let not the rebellious rise up against him.
Selah

Praise our God, O peoples,
let the sound of his praise be heard;

he has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.

For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.

You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.

You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.

I will come to your temple with burnt offerings
and fulfill my vows to you-

vows my lips promised and my mouth spoke
when I was in trouble.

I will sacrifice fat animals to you
and an offering of rams;
I will offer bulls and goats.
Selah

Come and listen, all you who fear God;
let me tell you what he has done for me.

I cried out to him with my mouth;
his praise was on my tongue.

If I had cherished sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened;

but God has surely listened
and heard my voice in prayer.

Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!

From Pastor Joe

LENT:
One of my favorite pastor-theologians is Gregory the Great who lived in the sixth century. In fact, I named my Wi Fi at home after him. I like how he did theology –showing how the Scriptures answered the questions of the day and how practical it was for daily life. He meditated deeply upon the word of God referring it to "a river shallow and deep, in which lambs can walk and elephants can swim."

He wrote hymns too. Two such hymns, "Again We Keep this Solemn Fast" and "Lord, Who Throughout These Forty Days" have this as their first stanzas.

Again we keep this solemn fast,
A gift of faith from ages past,
This Lent which binds us lovingly
To faith and hope and charity.

Lord, who throughout these forty days
For us did fast and pray.
Teach us to overcome our sins
And close by you to stay.

I find it fascinating that our Lenten Pilgrimage is very much connected to the saints of old. Reading this song not only grounds my faith but connects me to an ancient community. We are not alone in our walk.

PSALMS EXPERIENCE
The word "psalm" essentially means praise. Thus, all the Psalms are centered upon praising God. Their voice teaches us to praise God –in intensity, spontaneity and in sincerity. There is no greater place for the psalmist to be than to be in the praises of God. The modern church has an incredible witness if we follow the voice of the Psalms.

Even when the Psalmist is in the pit (Psalms 30:3;40:2), he yearns to be in the place of praise. The pit is an interesting place. This is the place of the silence, the forgotten and of the dead. It is a place of disorientation, confusion and abandonment. Think of the story of Joseph (Genesis 37:20).

It is easy to relate to the Psalmist when he is in the pit. Who has not been in place like this? For me, this is when the Psalms are real. And this is when we find out if God is real. Only God can save when you in the pit. You cannot save yourself. The key is to realize that God is in control. Learning from the Psalmist as he prays his way out is essential for one to experience a God who saves.

PASTORAL EXPERIENCE
There are times when we put ourselves in the pit. Bad choices have horrible consequences. Some of us are living those consequences from choices long ago. Do you want to experience the freedom of spontaneous praise? Instead of praying, "Lord, take me out of the pit!" Follow the voice of the Psalms. His prayers are inspired by God –these prayers should guide ours. He essentially prays two reasons why God should take him out of the pit. 1) Because God is unfailing in his love (Psalms 31:6; 40:11). 2) Because I can't praise you in the pit. The psalmist wants a reason to shout his name (Psalm 6:5; 30:9).

My prayer is that the voice of the Psalmist becomes your voice and thus you will learn how to supplicate before the Lord. May God be with you on your journey. You are not alone.

Pastor Joe

Day 24- Psalm 63

Psalm 63

A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.

O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.

Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.

My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

They who seek my life will be destroyed;
they will go down to the depths of the earth.

They will be given over to the sword
and become food for jackals.

But the king will rejoice in God;
all who swear by God's name will praise him,
while the mouths of liars will be silenced.

Day 23- Psalm 53

Psalm 53

For the director of music. According to mahalath. A maskil of David.

The fool says in his heart,
"There is no God."
They are corrupt, and their ways are vile;
there is no one who does good.

God looks down from heaven
on the sons of men
to see if there are any who understand,
any who seek God.

Everyone has turned away,
they have together become corrupt;
there is no one who does good,
not even one.

Will the evildoers never learn—
those who devour my people as men eat bread
and who do not call on God?

There they were, overwhelmed with dread,
where there was nothing to dread.
God scattered the bones of those who attacked you;
you put them to shame, for God despised them.

Oh, that salvation for Israel would come out of Zion!
When God restores the fortunes of his people,
let Jacob rejoice and Israel be glad!

Day 22- Psalm 37

Psalm 37

Of David.

Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of those who do wrong;

for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.

For evil men will be cut off,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.

But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy great peace.

The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;

but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.

The wicked draw the sword
and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.

But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
and their bows will be broken.

Better the little that the righteous have
than the wealth of many wicked;

for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the LORD upholds the righteous.

The days of the blameless are known to the LORD,
and their inheritance will endure forever.

In times of disaster they will not wither;
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.

But the wicked will perish:
The LORD's enemies will be like the beauty of the fields,
they will vanish—vanish like smoke.

The wicked borrow and do not repay,
but the righteous give generously;

those the LORD blesses will inherit the land,
but those he curses will be cut off.

If the LORD delights in a man's way,
he makes his steps firm;

though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand.

I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.

They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be blessed.

Turn from evil and do good;
then you will dwell in the land forever.

For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
They will be protected forever,
but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off;

the righteous will inherit the land
and dwell in it forever.

The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom,
and his tongue speaks what is just.

The law of his God is in his heart;
his feet do not slip.

The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
seeking their very lives;

but the LORD will not leave them in their power
or let them be condemned when brought to trial.

Wait for the LORD
and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.

I have seen a wicked and ruthless man
flourishing like a green tree in its native soil,

but he soon passed away and was no more;
though I looked for him, he could not be found.

Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
there is a future for the man of peace.

But all sinners will be destroyed;
the future of the wicked will be cut off.

The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.

The LORD helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.

Day 21- Psalm 42

Psalm 42

For the director of music. A maskil of the Sons of Korah.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and 6 my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Day 20- Psalm 4

Psalm 4

For the director of music. With stringed instruments. A psalm of David.

Answer me when I call to you,
O my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
be merciful to me and hear my prayer.

How long, O men, will you turn my glory into shame?
How long will you love delusions and seek false gods?
Selah

Know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself;
the LORD will hear when I call to him.

In your anger do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.
Selah

Offer right sacrifices
and trust in the LORD.

Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?"
Let the light of your face shine upon us, O LORD.

You have filled my heart with greater joy
than when their grain and new wine abound.

I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for you alone, O LORD,
make me dwell in safety.

Day 19- Psalm 3

Psalm 3

A psalm of David. When he fled from his son Absalom.

O LORD, how many are my foes!
How many rise up against me!

Many are saying of me,
"God will not deliver him."
Selah

But you are a shield around me, O LORD;
you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.

To the LORD I cry aloud,
and he answers me from his holy hill.
Selah

I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.

I will not fear the tens of thousands
drawn up against me on every side.

Arise, O LORD!
Deliver me, O my God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
break the teeth of the wicked.

From the LORD comes deliverance.
May your blessing be on your people.
Selah

From the Heart, by Jennifer Peters

3/13/07

Last night I came to the conclusion how angry of a person I am. I carry
a lot of anger some of it toward the injustices that have been done to
me. Some of it because I loathe seeing injustice done to the innocent.

So, I go on these crusades to try to fix the world-- but I can't and I
end up becoming more and more angry at the world, at the people who have
caused the injustice and at God who seems to allow them in the first
place and "not do anything."

But I am so tired of being angry and wearing myself out. "I think I can
do these things, but I can't" (Nemo's dad). However, the bottom line
is that I shouldn't have to and that God probably doesn't want me to
either.

Last night I asked him to help me learn to let go of the hurts and
injustices done to me. I'm sure he'll be faithful...at least I hope.

Now, I realize too that I need to ask him to help me let go of all these
injustices in the world...all the things people do on purpose or out of
ignorance that harm others. Although I certainly love to help hurting
people and that's where a lot of this drive and passion comes from, I
don't help them in my anger.

I need to learn to let "God be God, for I am not."

Dear Lord, Please help me let go of trying to right thousands of years
of wrongs in this world. The desire for rights to be wronged is not my
sin; help me to understand that. My sin is that I don't accept that you
are God and you will have vengeance on those whom you deem deserve it and
you will redeem those whom you can. I don't have to come up with the
sentence or execute it-- and for that I am grateful! The weight of the
world is not my responsibility; please help me understand that and give
these things up to you.

Please also help me come to believe to my core that Christ has already
paid the price for these injustices hurts, crimes, etc, even though we
can't immediately see all of his cure. Please help me learn what the
cross really means so that I can stop trying to right things that aren't
my responsibility; please help me understand Christ's Passion so that I
may give mine up and serve you with the same heart and compassion that
causes this anger. Help me redirect my love and concern for people so
that I give their pain to you first and allow you to show me if you can
use me in a situation.

Thank you Lord.

Amen.


3/05/07

I am really behind...about a week. Oh well, I'm trying to catch up and
God's patient. I just finished the Psalms from last Tue and last Mon.
David's Laments. It's funny, God has been directing me to the Psalms
for almost a year and I've always found better things to do than read
the bible..even though when I read these psalms they go right to the
heart-- especially the Laments.

For about a two years I've been fighting through God a "Where are you
God" fog. It started in May 05 after I'd just become pregnant with my
daughter. The entire process for her conception was God directed and
planned; however, despite my ability to hear God very clearly at that
point I had a horribly difficult time trusting him. I was like Zacariah
the father of John the Baptist who was muted for 9 months when an angel
told him he was going to be a dad. In fact, I kept wondering why God
just didn't mute me.

It might sound crazy, but God told me when to try to conceive my
daughter; he told me that she had been conceived and even when to take
the test. It was an amazing experience, but it was frought with a lot
of doubt. Despite that I knew I was pregnant, I didn't trust and then I
didn't trust for the first 12 weeks that I wouldn't' miscarry.

I was starting to have problems listening. Something also happened that
made me doubt God could provide or even care and I ended up throwing a
world class tantrum that rivals any two year old.

At 16 weeks, our doctors talked us into taking a blood test that could
test for downs etc. Then they called and said I for some odd reason had
a high chance of that. At that moment, God told me "she's fine." I was
completely at peace in the moment.

However, I didn't have armor on and Satan used that moment to wreck
havoc and put seeds of doubt that spread up for the rest of the year.
When we went in for an ultrasound the next day after the doctor called
the tech saw Micayla's cord and said she was a boy. At that point
everything I'd heard from before that and after were almost null and
void. My reasoning was, "if God said "she's fine" and it's a boy, how do
I know this baby is okay."

Well, five weeks later we had a much better tech and a new doctors
office and they confirmed it was a girl. However, the damage had been
done and my distrust was embedded within my heart.

For the last year, God has been faithful and has provided. However,
anytime that something comes up I think we must be being punished. I
have searched my heart and soul for the last year...since about last
April when I had a huge blowup with a friend.

Since then I've been passionately attempting to uncover every tiny aspect
of sin in my life and every horrible thing about myself and all I find
is more, more, more.

I'm totally exhausted and I find myself angry at me because I want to
right the wrongs I cause! I've have searched and searched and have
tried to change. I've scraped all the crap off until I'm raw and become
hateful and grumpy....at myself and then as a result to my family and
friends.

I grew up in the more Baptist and fire and brimstone type
theology....and a father who was a perfectionist-- basically God blesses
and takes care of those who obey; God curses and zings those who are
rotten or don't obey. God has not been the God of Compassion that David
so beautifully writes about. Obviously I've felt very zinged over the
last few years and that's been part of the reason I've been so
passionate to find the sin in my life.

We had money problems when I was pregnant and for quite a bit of the
year last year. Because I'm horrible with a budget, I blamed myself to
craziness. I came to the conclusion that God wouldn't' provide anymore
for us until I learned to be better with money....but I got
perfectionistic. Anytime I'd screw up a little-- I dreaded punishment.
Any extra bill that would come felt like punishment rather than life
happening

In fact, just last week, we got hit with a large amount of unexpected
expenses and bills. I've struggled with our budget for the last two
months, so I figured it was totally my fault and I was just being
punished for not getting it perfect. All week I mentally discouraged
myself because I kept thinking this was totally my fault. I was a wreck
by the end of the week.

Again, this pilgrimage comes down for me to understanding the cross--
understanding God's grace that while we were still sinners Christ did
die on the Cross and now our sin is erased. And again this comes down
to me taking life personally and thinking that everything is my burden
and my problem.

All in all, I probably didn't bring that much loss to my family. I
could have brought some and some was the result of poor advice.

Dear Lord, Please help me come to understand what the cross means, what
Jesus sacrifice means and help me let go of my self appointed burden.
Keep me focused on where my sin really is because I'm getting derailed
and finding things that I think I'm doing wrong or are my fault when
life is just life. I become so obsessed with trying to correct my sin
that the focus becomes my sin rather than trying to become more
Christlike. Help me also understand the difference between consequences
and punishment and open my eyes to see your grace.

Amen.