What are We Expecting? By Susie Sharrai

I am discovering more about my Heavenly Father on this Lenten walk. Sometimes it's enough to know that He's God and He loves me........then, He takes me deeper. He asks me to trust Him more, to give Him more of who I am and what I have, to risk more, to EXPECT more of Him. There are so many books out now, by Christian and non-Christian authors, on living our 'best life' and this whole 'secret' thing - which is no secret at all! How we think and speak is a huge part of how we see God, what we expect of Him, whether we believe Him to be who He says He is, and definitely, how we see ourselves.

I will be the first to say that God answers prayer - I know He brought me to Loveland when I had no place else to go and needed to leave where I was as soon as I could. Though I know His hand was in that, It took some time to 'adjust' to the move. Quite honestly, about a year and a half ago I was going to commit suicide. I had never been 'that far gone' before. I'd been here about 2 years and just struggled so badly with emotions, feeling abandoned and forgotten by God, rejected by 'friends' I rarely heard from; wondering why nobody would hire me and how I'd pay bills, let alone get groceries. This truly was the lowest I'd been in some time. I just didn't want to deal with the struggle anymore. I was at the point where I was thinking about what to write in a note, who to send it to - do I email this or just let people find out about it somehow? Do I write anything to my only child? Would he even notice I'm gone? I'd even done a 'test run' - I sent an email to friends saying things I would say if I knew I was writing/seeing them for the last time. Not depressing, really, but there was a 'tone' to it - only one person picked up on that tone and knew something was wrong. It took me a while to tell her what it was really about.

While trying to figure out what/if to write anything, something inside me said, "You know you can't do this." Yet I was just so weary of all of it. This was during a walk along a stretch of the bike path near my home. I was almost home and then, with that last uphill step before level ground, I felt Someone physically pull me up! Up out of the pit, up out of the miry clay, and I knew everything would be all right.......eventually! But I knew! I had not had such a tangible touch from God in a long time!

It can be difficult to trust God when all around us is crashing down. Even when things aren't necessarily crashing, it's just 'easier' to take the steering wheel of our lives and try to control things -- our children - toddler or 26 year old future bride-groom!; our marriages ('he needs to change!"); work - maybe we compromise in order to get promoted or to look important cause it's not happening fast enough otherwise. Non of this is trust.

The Bible tells us we are God's workmanship - someone told me there's a Greek word in that original writing that says we are His poetry! Beautiful! When we read God's word, know He sent Jesus to die for us, how can we doubt that we are treasured by Him? So what do we expect of this God? That we'll have His favor with those around us? He says we do. That we can trust Him? We are commanded to not be afraid! That He'll answer prayers? He says we can come before Him BOLDLY, to ask, seek and knock AND expect Him to answer!

When I first moved here I was staying with friends - it was a bit over a month and things were tense, to say the least! I was looking for work and an apartment and wondering why nothing seemed to be happening. Suddenly, I'd seen an apartment that would work but I didn't have the funds for the deposit + rent that was needed up front. I was on my way to a job interview and just thought 'maybe they'll take $50 down now and I can pay the rest on the 1st of the month'. Quite a long shot, for sure. That same day, the gent that showed me the property called me to see what I thought of the apt. So.....I took a deep breath and asked him about this deal - he said he'd have to ask the boss. He got back to me and asked when I could take possession of the apt. and I said right away! He said, "we never do this...." - and guess what.....they DID! That certainly doesn't happen all the time, and though a miracle is a miracle, I couldn't see it happening in California! But I wasn't in California anymore, I was here, and I just received a major blessing for no real reason that I could see - except, that I am a child of God, I have His favor with man, and He cares about my every need. I'm going on my 4th year in that apt. At times I get restless and want to be in a real home, but I know God put me where I am, beyond a doubt!

The thing I'm learning most about knowing I have God's favor (and to EXPECT it!), is I have to ask. That can be the tough part - but, If I hadn't asked about the $50 down, I wouldn't have been able to move into a place of my own for some time. If I hadn't walked into the place I work now, I wouldn't have the job I have - I'm paid well, am greatly appreciated by my bosses, have the opportunity to learn about things that fascinate me.

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life." Psalm 23. But do we walk in that all the days of our lives? The Message puts it this way "God's kindness and goodness chases me down everywhere I go." Am I expecting God to bless me? To shower me with His favor? Believing He really loves me? That He is creator of the universe and not just 'out there somewhere' but right here with me, right now?

I can still battle with trusting God, but I am catching it and turning that over to Him quicker, and working toward being the person He created me to be. There definitely is a cost to this thing called faith - and it's worth it!!