Sunday's sermon has had me irritated all week. It's like the pea under the mattress or a pebble in a shoe. I couldn't figure out what had me so agitated all week until this morning when I was driving somewhere. Although it feels like a pea in a mattress because the princess didn't know what was disturbing her sleep, I'm hoping it's more like a seed attempting to take root in a very tough soil.
Like I mentioned in another blog, it's been desert for a few years for us. We have a few periods here and there of respite, but not enough. Then again, perhaps I don't rely on God enough for respite. We've talked in church several times about how good meaning people always quote the cliche that "God won't give you more than you can handle," and we've concluded that they are extremely wrong. I believe that cliche comes down to a simple misquote....the text is about temptation, not about tough circumstances. I don't have the exact verse in front of me, but I know it's something along the lines of "God doesn't allow you to be tempted beyond what you can handle; he always provides a way out." The problem is that sometimes we don't chose to take the way out. I certainly haven't all week-- I've chosen to be ticked off, rather than let him have the problems.
So, we have plenty of tough circumstances...and no way out because like when the disciples were on the boat and the storm came, God wants us to look to him and ask him to either calm the sea or save us because the waves would crush us otherwise. I certainly know that in my head, but accepting it...well, that's taking few years.
On to the pea in my mattress this week. I want something desperately to change in my life, but it's not changing the way I want it to. On Ash Wednesday during service, God again asked me to give him this thing. I did, reluctantly again. He answered with promise that he can do so much more than I could ever expect if I just give up trying to control the situation and let him have it completely. Let him take it, break it, mold it, change it and not allow me to put any of my signature on it.
That's what he told me during the prayer time and as confirmation, I saw during the stations one of the most beautiful sights I'd ever seen-- red lilies. I'm a flower person, and flowers have held amazing symbolism through the years for me. God has used them on several occasions to speak to me. That evening, when I reached the station of lilies, I came across something that I not only didn't expect in the red lilies, but also something so much more beautiful than I could ever remember in a traditional white lily.
Right there, God said, "See these? You didn't even know they existed; you're blown away by this creation. You didn't even know this was possible and you certainly never imagined the beauty that a red lily could provide. Give me 'x,' 'y,' and 'z,' let it go, and watch me! I will do so much more than you could ever imagine, pray or ask for, dream of, or want, but you have to release it. By the way, see the red? My Son's blood covers what you want covered."
Whew and Ouch!
So, I gave it up that night and had a great night's sleep for a few days...I had peace, not peas.
And now, five weeks into Lent, I've fallen behind AGAIN in the reading and I've got enough peas in my bed or rocks in my shoes to put me on a war path and not care, and not WANT to care, but to try to control and fix it myself. Somehow though, I must have somehow given something back to him today because he gave me a hint of things better, and I didn't know what to do because i was blown away.
Lord, please take these burdens and help me let go. Help me instead cling to you and your beautiful promises like my baby does when we're about to let someone else take her. She says, "No, no! Turns her head away and rests it on our shoulders and then clings to us for dear life with her entire body." "Lead me not into temptation," but help me say, No! No!, and cling to you.
Amen
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